Turning a Mess into a Message

       I love Christmas!  Every part of it.  When I was a child, my dad would go all out.  Now mine is a step above with a more modern take of blow ups, etc.  My dad had a life size manger scene in our front yard with a life size manger, camels, and it all.  There were colored C9 lights all over the shrubs, a larger than life size mock up of Santa attached to our chimney with a light on him, and a plastic lighted Santa, sleigh, and rein-deer, on the roof as they were taking off.  It was SO awesome.  I hope to have a life size manger scene for our family one day. Lights I think are as much for me as they are for my kids.  I add a little more every year.  This year I added the roof-line and the lit wreaths.  They keep falling down.  One is missing in the photos here.  Something else for me to do.  It takes 4 days to put it all up and a day to take it down.  It will add about 150.-200. onto the light bill because I only run them from 5:30 to 9:30 at night.  I was going to do more this year but I was frankly just too tired and adding football to my schedule and pains this year was a new twist.  Make sure to go to photos to see them in full size.

      At the office we have been trying to print our own Christmas cards with our staff photo.  Sadly I screwed up the fancy new printer up and we are now waiting on techs to fix it.  Praise God for the service contract.  Everyone will most likely get them after they get back from Christmas or the day before.

      Christmas this year will be much like the ones in the past with my family.  I will be staying up very late putting presents together after we put food out for Santa and his rein-deer.  The kids have total belief in Santa and his abilities.  We have a sign out that says--Santa Stop here.  By the looks of our photos of the house you can see it will be pretty hard for him to miss it.  This year I will be putting a trampoline together.  Got to ask my dad to help with that one.  That is going to be interesting at night in the dark.  They will find out about Santa soon enough, but the joy of Christmas would not be the same without the mystique of Santa.  The kids went and sat in his lap the other day.  Great photo.  I will see if I can add it soon. 

       For Christmas I have already given myself and Julie a treadmill and a weight set.  Maybe that will get us in shape.  Godiva Chocolates is always a gift that Julie and the kids give me.  I am sure I will get some jeans.  I have already asked for a gift certificate to Home Depot.

         Regardless of the gifts--we are rich with so much more than possessions.  I look around amazed at what God has done in my life.  I am so blessed with my family.  I love my wife and children more than you can imagine.  God changed my heart and life, as you can see I made a sign for all to read as a part of our lights.  I hope you can experience 1/2 of the joy that I have been able to experience in following God's will for my life.  If you do, He will give you all the rest and more.

         Merry Christmas to all my friends and those that I do not know and those that don't like me or my message.  God loves you and wants you to experience life to the fullest.

As you can see with the trampoline the kids are having fun.  Though not pictured here, Julie and I have been up there many times.  The trampoline does not have a net as yet, but will be put on next week as we had to order it separately.  Julie’s nerves will be much at eased by its installation.  You can see Caroline’s outfit as she was dressed in her dress up clothes.  One of her Barbies came with an exact dress for dress up.  She was walking around before this photo with her plastic pink heals with pink fur and a big B for Barbie on the front center of each. 

Just as much as we love looking at it and putting it out, we love to see it come down.  Some get depressed by seeing it come down but we get a little tiered of it all. 

Christmas is a great time of year.  I know everyone enjoys my lights.  I add some every year.  I bought a couple of other things for next year.  I need to plan ahead more for next year.  I was glad I had this site to share the pics with you all.

When I was a kid I remember my dad always bringing my LEGOS back from trips.  I would play with them for hours on end.  Back then they did not come with instructions but were not as detailed as the new kits are today.  My son’s this time was an almost complete airport, control tower, luggage handler, maintenance vehicle, airplane (including complete inner cockpit and steward area), and jet way.  I don’t remember my dad ever playing with LEGOS with me though (all though he may have a couple of times).  Today, when my son thinks of LEGOS he thinks of him and dad times.  We get together in the dinning room and sit side by side.  We go over the directions and he figures it out and puts them together.  I help him stay focused and sometimes find parts and make duplicates if it asks for multiples of one piece.  My son inevitably will come sit in my lap while working.  This day here we worked for 4 hours almost straight.  I thought to myself that this is truly restoration of the soul.  My son will always remember us playing together and our time with LEGOS.

The day after Christmas we drove up to my sister’s new home in Waterford Virginia, a suburb of D.C.  She used to live much closer but while she had a large house it was on a tiny lot.  Her new home which is even bigger is now on 3 acres.  As you can see the photo of us in the background how the houses are not close together.  What a beautiful area.  In their neighborhood 3 acre lots are the smallest lots in the area.  Everyone lives on large acreage and they just changed it so you cannot buy a lot smaller for your home than 15 acres.  Hmmm…Won’t be moving there I guess.  Anyway, we had a great time.  Can’t believe I did not take a picture of her new house for you.  It is very nice stucco, get lost in home.  We had a great time.  We went to D.C. and outside of D.C. is the new Air and that you have got to go to.  The Space Shuttle, , replicas of all the satellites and missiles, and almost all planes, and more.  We drove into downtown and went to the War War II monument and the Lincoln Memorial.  Julie and I have now seen everything in D.C. except the Mint and the CIA and NSA.  Don’t think they will let us in the last two.  We called about touring the CIA though—nope!  If you have never been to D.C. it is an amazing city.  We have never been in the spring though, as I have been in landscaping and after Maria (my sister) was moving.  We are going back this spring to see the cherry blossoms.  It was great to see them all again and their new home. 

I love seeing my kids’ eyes on Christmas morning seeing the tree with the presents and the belief that Santa has come.  This year Santa got his coat stuck in our fireplace screen.  They were so excited about that and took the piece of cloth that was caught to all that day and told them about the story.  Seth got Legos, an interactive globe, an ant farm, spy gear, and a Game Boy.  Caroline got a Barbie Castle, a art easel, dolls and dancing Barbies, and a Polly Pockets Cruise Ship.  They both got a trampoline.  Great pics to come.  I cannot tell you how much satisfaction I get out of staying up late at night and putting toys together or sitting in the floor with the kids and either putting a toy together or playing with them.  They grow out of their toys, so each time they get new ones we go through the old ones with the kids and take the old toys to the children's shelter.  Next year we will make a point to have the kids involved in buying toys for other children for Christmas.  I love being Dad any time of the year but at Christmas it is especially fun.

Gay teens

            This was a great week and a struggle for working with teens.  I have been working with teens now ever since receiving some type of call into ministry.  First it was a call into youth ministry within my home church.  I was a youth counselor with our very large youth department at First Baptist Spartanburg under Sam Davis.  Sam knew about my past and just had me commit to staying on the right path while working with the youth and being at First Baptist.

            Later, while being with Solid Rock (the Exodus ministry that I came out of) I was handed REF. The counselor had been contacted by REF (my assistant today), then 16, who was in with no transportation and wanted help.  He asked me to start working with him so I did.  REF (Richard Foster) was a good kid who’s parents did not know what to do with him.  I worked with him from the time he was 16 to 18.  He went into the gay lifestyle when he was 18, which was pretty disheartening.  Praise God, 6 years later he returned and is doing great.  I really consider REF to be more like a little brother than anything. 

            Right after REF left at 18 came other teens through their parents.  It started out as one after another.  Soon after one left another would come.  Mostly it starts by the parents finding out and finding me and the teen coming along.  Then a couple of years ago I started getting numerous contacts a week.  I decided to start an actual youth group.  It was pretty amazing the responses we were getting.  One kid rededicated his life to Christ on his first visit to the group at the end of the night in our prayer and has never seemed to be the same since.  I have been invited to several high school graduations, and other school and church events. 

            I feel a lot like a proud parent with these kids.  They have to make the choices here.  They did not choose to have same-sex attractions, but they do have to make the choice of whether they are going to follow their own desires or to follow Christ.  It is a hard choice.  It is pretty agonizing for everyone involved.  I pain for the parents and for the teen who is so conflicted. 

            I had a great conversation the other day.  I was calling some of my youth to ask them if they were going to come to our Christmas party.  One was so excited to tell me that he had gotten accepted to the college he applied to and has gotten a full ride to attend.  This was not what he was the most excited to talk about though—he has a girlfriend.  He said to me—“I never thought I could feel this way about a girl.  I think we will be together for a long time to come.”  I was so proud of him and so excited for him.  This kid was so arrogant, prideful, and angry when he first came to see me.  Another one of my teens that fits that same bill early on is now a student body Chaplin, was a summer missionary to children, and recently took his entire church through an evangelism course.  He has an amazing heart for evangelism.

             Most sadly do not turn out so great. Many won’t listen and won't trust me. I haven't kept up with percentages but their have been many ups and downs.  At our Christmas party was another teen that I have been working with for several weeks.  I hope he does not give up.  He is so determined to be gay that I am not too sure that I can pull him back.  I hope that he has seen something in my life that has planted a seed that much like REF and some others that have left and returned will come back. 

            It is much like the story of saving starfish.  There are thousands of starfish out on the shore and there is a boy taking one at a time and throwing them back in.  Someone says to him—What is the point?  You can’t make a difference.  The boy picks one up and throws it back in.  He said—It made a difference in to that one.  I often feel this way.  Sometimes it can seem like it is hopeless but it does make a difference.  Maybe not to the masses.  We are not working a large number of people.  This takes time and relationship.  I wish I had more of each.  One at a time young men and women are being saved like the starfish.  It is a battle that is defiantly going against the tide.

Ball with the guys

In my profile you will read that I have taken up football—at 38.  I have already decided that next year I am taking on basketball.  You see, when I was a kid I was scared.  My dad was this super sports guy that was the best at every sport.  I remember my dad trying to show me techniques of throwing a ball but I just couldn’t catch on.  He would be watching a football or basketball game (etc.) and would be super into it.  I remember him yelling at the screen or at coaches and it would scare me.  I never remember though my dad teaching me about the games—rules, etc.  I never did catch on with the whole sports thing and my dad later told me that he felt rejected because I did not respond to him trying to show me sports.  I was the one on the short end of that stick unfortunately.  I wanted to know how to learn sports but I was just too scared.  My sister on the other hand was great at all the sports that she tried at.  I remember looking at guys that were jocks with such envy, wondering what it was like to be good at sports and to be revered like they were.  I was too scared though—on the outside looking in.

This followed me into high school and then into adulthood.  Every time guys were getting together to watch a game or to play a game of sports I never went a long in the rare occasion that I was invited.  Not only was I afraid because I never really knew how but I really did not know what was going on in a game.  Much later I got married to my wife Julie.  Julie was raised with two older brothers and they taught her everything about sports.  So Julie started trying to show me about games.  I thought that was way too weird.  I let her a little but told her I would really rather have some guys explained it to me. 

            Julie and I have been married for eleven years now.  We have a five year old daughter, Caroline that is all girl and a seven year old boy, Seth that is into everything.  In many ways he reminds me of myself as a child.  It is like I have cloned myself.  Now my wife and I’s marriage is not the same and we are not the same as my mom and dad were when I was his age, but his temperament and his looks are just like mine as a child.  Now I learned a lot as a child and I remember a great deal of it.  I don’t want to live my life through him but I do not want him to have to endure what I went through.  Now remember that I was not interested in sports and have not been to date.  Now though we are trying to get Seth involved in sports.  I want him to be able to be one of the guys and not have to envy other guys as I did.  I realized, and my wife also helped me buy nudging me, that unless I started getting involved in sports that my son was not going to either.  We have been having him involved in sports for several years but it just has not gotten in him yet. 

            Now I tell you this because this is how it started but it is not the reason I am playing football as some may think.  Last year, realizing I needed to learn more about sports, I asked a couple of my friends from church to take me to a basketball game.  These guys really knew about sports and I knew they would do it.  Scott and Jack thought it was the coolest thing being asked.  I remember the night sitting between them at a USC Upstate game.  One was teaching me the rules and points while the other taught me about techniques and strategies.  Seth and I started going to basketball games, and I started getting into it now that I knew what was going on.  Then a couple of months ago I started taking Seth to football games.  One of the last ones was Spartan High (my old high school) playing Dorman (my wife’s old high school).  I was there with Seth and my two brother-in-laws, Robin and Dean.  The whole game I picked, Robin’s brain about the game.  The game went into overtime, so I got to learn about that too which I don’t remember ever seeing before. 

            Then a few weeks back I got an email from the church.  It asked if anyone would be interested in playing flag football.  I thought for just a few seconds and then decided to respond.  I replied back saying, “I am not any good but I would be interested in playing with a little help and a whole lot of patience.”  I did not even talk about it with my wife first, and I even waited several days to tell her.  I just assumed it would be just some guys from church playing each other which sounded kind of fun and not too threatening.  I later told my wife, which she was pretty blown away by.  I started realizing from the start that this had nothing to do with Seth anymore but everything about me wanting to experience what I had always dreamed of—playing ball with the guys. 

            Well, I got the email.  Andrew Hamlet, the pastor’s son who is the head of the athletic department, called me and asked me if I still wanted to play.  He then asked what position I wanted to play, which was pretty laughable since I don’t know about any other position other than the quarterback.  I told him I did not know enough to make that call.  We planned our first day of practice play; it was the day after Thanksgiving.  I got there, with Seth in tow.  The first thing Andrew told us was about the league we were going to be playing in.  What?  It sounded pretty serious.  Then he started handing out plays and talking football lingo.  I was lost.  He said that there were more guys that wanted to play than they had room for and they were going to have to cut some guys.  I thought I would surely be one of them.  It was me and four other guys.  We started throwing and catching and I was actually pretty good.  Then we started playing.  My legs cramped up within five minutes but I kept on.  More guys showed up.  We would get up to the line and they would call out the plays and they would look at me and ask—Do you understand?  I answered back—No.  They would take there hand and draw a line and tell me what they meant.  I ended up that day with two personal touch downs and one head-but to my cheek.  Yes, this is flag football but neither of us saw each other coming.    I cannot tell you though how much fun I had.  I was not too bad after all.  The guys were so affirming.  Wounded from sore muscles and a head-but to the cheek I went home scared, tired, and proud. The brose on my cheek was there for a week.  I was supposed to play that Sunday but I was too sore to walk much less play.

            Now the way I go on about this you may be asking—Is that the first time you ever played football?  Actually the first time I ever played football was nine years ago at my first Exodus conference.  Me and a bunch of guys (guys leaving homosexuality) were corralled around and played touch football, which in reality became full blown tackle.  It was the most fun I had ever had.  Then one week prior to this game with the guys from church, my Sunday school plays a game at a social.  That day, in addition to playing beside my friends, I was on the line against eight and ten year old kids of parents from my class. 

            Monday night, after that game with the head-but and two touchdowns, I was at my Truth Ministry program.  I had not told anyone I was playing football.  I was thinking I was going to get cut because I did not show for the game on Sunday.  I got a call from Andrew.  He wanted to know what size I wanted my jersey to be and if I had a particular number I wanted.  I told him that I thought he was going to cut me.  He said—“No man.”  I told him what fun I had and that this was all new for me but I was looking forward to it.  He told me that I needed to go get some cleats and that would help me a lot.  I went in telling my friends in the group that night, with tears in my eyes, about the call. 

            So that next week I went and took my kids to Gaffney to the Nike outlet to get cleats and a football.  I had never had either one (other than a Nerf football to throw with Seth).  I could not have been prouder of that purchase.  The next week I put them on as a part of my teaching on healthy same-sex relationships and told them they fit—just like me playing ball with the guys.

            We had a practice game last week, where I learned that we broke the team up into 24 and under and over.  That day I was the oldest guy out there (game day one guy 43 came on).  These guys knew everything to know about football, all having a history in playing football.  They couldn’t have been cooler to me (nice) and helped me every step.  Yesterday was the first official game.  That one on Sunday was not the official start yet.  We had two games to play.  We are in a non-church league, playing against some pretty serious guys, and very serious refs.  In both games we came very close to a fight and there was a few times where there was quite colorful language used on the field by the opposing team.  Several plays in the game I got the flag off of the guy with the ball and was right on the money.  My new jock friends yelled to me—“That’s right McKrae—That’s how you do it!”  Man—Is this how it feels to be one of the guys?  I remember going into a play thinking—I am having the TIME OF MY LIFE!  These guys, whom I have not known close but respected, have welcomed me in and I am now one of the guys.  We won the first game 34 to 7 and lost the second one 12 to 14.  It was AWESOME!  As I could barely walk back to the car I thought, I can’t wait until next week! 

             To follow along go to http://www.bsflagfootball.com/schedule.htm.  Come out and cheer us on!  We are N. Spartanburg Red.

      I have heard many times that your greatest gift can oftentimes be your greatest curse.  Certainly my mouth or speech, hopefully without sounding overtly prideful, is certainly this for me.  God has gifted me as a communicator, as a speaker to large and small events and in a one-on-one counseling setting.  Unfortunately many times, though, this gift has been my greatest curse.  While my speech has been used to give great instruction, guidance, and healing in people’s lives, when I speak without thinking (in the midst of communicating), I have unfortunately caused pain in my carelessness to close friends and others.  I had a friend, a while back, suggest to me the idea of doing a word study on the tongue and publishing it in a blog for others to read.  My whole life has been used as a learning tool for others, and I really was not up for the task on this one.  So I did not relish the idea of writing an article on my speech.  As I have taken on this task, in reading God’s word in this area, I have seen, and you will too, that the tongue, lips, mouth, speech, gossip, and the like are of great concern to God.

      I was raised in a family that was not one that suffered in lack of communication.   Talking, discussing, and fighting for your ideals were encouraged.  At the same time, though, it was words that hurt the most, first from my family and then from my peers.  I am very well aware of the power of words.  I remember being called names and how they stuck like a label on me that I could not seem to get off.  From the beginning I have felt like Moses.  Moses did not understand why God chose him to speak for him—“Why don’t you use my brother Aaron?” Aaron was a great communicator, but Moses spoke with a stutter.  Some may believe that I communicate to feed my ego because they can tell I enjoy speaking opportunities.  Early on I met my call to be a communicator for God with great fear and disillusionment.  “Why me?”  I did not understand but knew that God had chosen me and that I had to answer the call.  I was not someone who had gone to college, unless you want to talk about my partial associates in horticulture, and I certainly did not study in depth in communication or counseling.  To help me in this task, I have had to (and continue to) take many courses, read a great deal, go to conferences, and the like.  The most important for me was to simply be available to the Lord and go.  The biggest area I have had to work on is my heart.  Scripture tells us that from the mouth flows the heart.  I can say that for me most of the times when I have hurt someone with my mouth, it has shown that I have a “heart condition” with the Lord and my past.  So, in addition to a great many training conferences, there has been and continues to be a journey of the heart.  Also, working with others in their problems can cause some problems to surface that God then will need to work out.  I have come to the conclusion that the journey of sanctification and healing is a life-long journey in Christ.

      Whether it is a label in name calling, an argument with harsh words, a tone, or the use of concrete blanket statements talking about a group of people, words can be dangerous.  Proverbs says that even a fool appears wise if he stays silent (17:28).  Proverbs also says that if you have hurt people with your mouth, you should take your hand and clap your mouth shut (30:32).  I don’t want to turn this into one scripture reference after another that may turn you off.  I would encourage you to take a concordance and look up mouth, tongue, lips, gossip, and speech.  I would also encourage you to begin using the book of Proverbs—

“…for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair; for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young—let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise.  The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.” Proverbs 1:2-7

      There are 31 chapters of Proverbs; do you think that maybe God worked that out for us to use a chapter each day with our calendar?  Proverbs and Psalms and other books of the Bible have helped me to start thinking before I speak. 

      I have a long way to go, though.  Recently a friend of mine said something to me about something I had said that at first I took as personally hurtful.  I know they were trying to help me in saying that I needed to think before I spoke and not to use such blanket conclusions as I am famous for.  I have heard this suggestion several times from friends, but this time this reached me and is what is leading me to finally write this article.  My prayer has been, and you can join me in praying for me in this, that God would give me a “pause” before speaking and making statements. I have surrounded myself with many “Pauls” in my life.  These are men of great wisdom and godly character who have accomplished much and are wonderfully calculative communicators.  I meet with them fairly regularly and ask for input and feedback. 

      I share these thoughts as a part of my life-long journey.  Just as my ministry of redemption from homosexuality, sexual addiction, and more is a tool in which God is working, He is also turning every part of me to reflect Him.  A while ago someone thanked me for turning my mess into a message.  I pray that the mess that my mouth has sometimes caused can be now used to bring freedom through this lesson from me to you.  For those of us who are communicators through trial, there is redemption.  The journey is painful.  If you hang out at the gym much, you will hear “No Pain No Gain.”  Those of us that do not look like we hang out at the gym very much do not like hearing this.  We want instant results, and very few actually like pain or any type of delay; this is why we often seek deliverance rather than wisdom.  The same can be said of having patience for those of us who have disappointed ourselves or others.  We have such high expectations maybe of ourselves or hopes and expectations of others around us that we have little latitude of tolerance or patience; we want to see some change now.

      So I ask for your forgiveness if I have spoken without thinking and caused pain, and I ask for your prayers and patience.  Reach out to those of us who are extraverts that seem to “stick our foot in our mouth” and love us.  Most of us are self-critical more than you know, and we “beat up on ourselves” pretty well.  Usually right after something careless or offensive comes out of my mouth, I already know and wish I could put it back in; if not, it is not long until the Holy Spirit gently points it out to me.  Many believe that it is their duty to share correction, even if not asked to share.  I promise you that if the person is a believer, the Spirit will share this need to correct with them. Share, but share in the spirit of love.  As scripture says—live by the Spirit.  Correct, but in the Spirit and in love.  If you do this, your correction will be heard, and maybe those of us that need to hear will hear and will learn. 

      Thanks for reading and for your prayers.  God Bless.